Truth be told this is something that terrifies me, but yet it’s something that I really want to do… but I just don’t know…
In about October time last year, I came to terms with being bisexual. My sexuality is something that I’ve been confused about my entire life (well since I was about 10, I am now 16 and soon to be 17). I was so scared to tell anyone, that I even considered and tried to commit suicide – as I wasn’t strong enough. Lucky, I see my school counsellor… and I told her about how I was feeling (in terms of being suicidal). She helped me, and I became to trust her… so in turn, I told her the reason behind my suicidal actions.
She then suggested that I tell someone else – who is my age, so I told my friend at school… she really understood… but how ever she is a heavy Christian and believes that I can be changed (which is something I don’t want to do).
For about the next two weeks I felt ok… I wasn’t in a good mood, but I felt… just ok. However, at the time my school was putting on a play… I like acting and auditioned and got the main role, in the play there was another main role which was taken up by my friend’s (a different [female] friend) boyfriend… As we spent time together, practising our lines and just chatting… I stated to get feeling for him (truth be told I don’t know if it was lust or love… but I’m leaning to the one with the L-O-V-E).
About another week later, we were reading a story in our second language, the story was about self-concept and how some people don’t have it at all… I am one of these people – my self-concept is non-existent. So hearing about how I see myself got me depressed… again. It was a Friday and our last lesson we have free. On this Friday we went down to the field, as I was feeling depressed I just went to sit on my own. Some of my friends joined my (by the way all my friends are girls… except my best friend – I just don’t fit in with the guys + I find them all so immature). They asked me what was wrong… so I told them about the story and how it made me feel… and then I told them about how I felt (in terms of my sexual orientation). They were all rather shocked, but however also understood. So the conversation came around to the guys I liked… So I told them about the guy from the play… but that wasn’t a smart move as his girlfriend was one of the girls there… subsequently her and myself stopped talking… another thing I became depressed over… a few weeks after that, her boyfriend stopped talking to me as well… I was heartbroken, and turned to suicide yet again.
However, as you’ve probably guessed I haven’t killed myself… I just, couldn’t do it. I couldn’t drink the bleach, jump off the chair, keep my head in the water or get the knife through the skin on my wrists. So I’m a coward…
Weeks have passed since then… My parents now know about me… another thing I was dreading… and another thing I started to get depressed about. As I felt that my parents were homophobic… but they aren’t…
Now you might be wondering… ‘But you are already out’… but to myself I’m not. But this I what I’m dreading as my class – apart from the girls are 100% homophobic! You just do a flick of the wrist in a non-straight manner and you are condemned as someone gay… trust me I’ve been there. As I said before, the guys and I don’t get on well… They have very closed minds when it comes to what a guy should and shouldn’t like. ‘A guy must like sport, a guy must talk dirty language… a guy must talk about how he wants to “tap” that bitch’ It makes me sick! How can they be so unmannered, so horrible so… I want to use the word childish… but even a child is better mannered than these… these Apes, and that’s not even the best word.
As I said, in my class I’ve been condemned as the gay, the loser, the nerd… and because I’ve listened to it so much… I’m starting to believe it. Although I hate them so much… and I would like nothing more than to cut them up bit by bit slowly and painfully (by the way this is an exaggeration but it the best way to show how I feel toward them)… I do want to be accepted by them…
And although they hate my guts… they use me… as I’m the person in the class who is organized, I’m the one in the class who can talk to the teachers… I’m the one in class who can set up movies and things like that… And I do it… why because if I don’t… what will happen… I’ll be treated even worse.
I know I’ve gone a little off topic… but if you are going to answer my question, you needed to know the background. Should I ‘Come Out’? Should I tell them who I am… and screw the consequences…?
Just remember I have another two years to spend with these A-wholes.
I’ll be plain and simple: just come out. Nobody will ever accept you if you can’t even accept yourself.
