I hope someone out there can relate to my thoughts -
Where to start? I’m going to be honest. I’m only twelve, but I’m very, very mature for my age. I feel like there’s nothing in life left for me to figure out. Although I tend to look I life from a zoomed-out perspective (if you know what I mean). I think very logically and I think way too much into things, but this is a very general aspect of my everyday life.
I get embarrassed very easily and I take criticism very harshly. At school, I don’t fit in, especially with the other girls. I’m the quiet girl. I bring books to lunchtime because I don’t want people to talk to me. I get embarrassed by the kids around me when they say dirty things like kids my age do. I’m quiet because when I speak my voice is a ghost. I stutter. When I talk, I can’t hear myself. I can’t make conversation. I have no social life. I have acne (not so bad, but I always think that that’s all people see when they look at me). I get embarrassed when people watch me do things, especially eat. I start to sweat when people look at me. I keep to myself very much.
I would be happily independent at school if it wasn’t for the fact that there is a teacher I have a crush on, and I want him to think that I’m a normal, down to earth middle school girl. I force myself to tolerate people long enough to walk with me down the hall when I am passing by his class. When noone is around, I have to awkwardly thumble through my papers as if I am rushing to class. I think I walk awkwardly.
People shoving my in the halls doesn’t help. I wish I could go about my day without any interference from anyone else. They all mess with me!!! I get soooo embarrassed when people do things to me. Like once, for no apparant reason, this guy put a bottle of lotion on the top of my locker door when I was about to close it. I had no idea what to do so I stood there awkwardly while everyone snickered. Finally, after five minutes of ignoring it and riffling through my locker when I already had my books, someone actually came and took it off my locker door. I had no idea what to make of it so my face turned beat red and I ran down the hall. I cried about it later that day. Don’t ask why.
I’m very smart for my age. I always want to learn. My teachers compliment me like crazy. Especially the one that I like. One time, my science teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up and said that I was unbelievable smart and that she was glad to have me in her class. I’m proud of making good grades, but I get called a nerd way to often. I take it very very very personally.
I’m not comfortable with myself. I can’t let go and have fun because I’m scared I’ll look stupid.
I’m not satisfied with my life. I do the same thing every day and come home to nothing. I used to have something to look forward to – getting home. Now, when I think about getting home, I get sad. I don’t want to come home and put up with more people. I want to be left alone. My mom and my brother aggravate me. I’m short-tempered. I just want to go to my room and read or work on a project or research something online. These are my hobbies.
My life is a complete circle. Home, school, home, schoool. When does it end? When can I sit down and sigh and say "phew!! im done!! i dont have to live this life anymore!!"?? A complete circle. Wake up, get ready, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th period, home, sleep, repeat. No joy. No straying from the path. No end. I’ve thought hard into this and it makes me wonder why I put up with it. Why don’t I…. do something? anything? I hate my life. My life is a circle. continuous work. no reward. continuous stress. continuous putting up with shit. I will never get to sit down and say "glad thats over!" Never. Not when I die. Not after I die. And it makes me think if this life is really worth the effort I put into it. . .
I want to know if anyone can relate to me or what I should do. This is not a whim. I’ve felt like this for two years and I can’t seem to
I’m very impressed with you. I’m tired of seeing all the immaturity and kids "trying" to act grown up at your age by doing things they are too young to do, but you do seem pretty mature and I respect that.
Is it sad that I am very impressed, as well, with your grammar? (Sorry English major) Definitely not something that you see often. But embrace it hun, because you have a gift.
Its obvious that you don’t fit in with your peers. It doesn’t help to hear that, because it doesn’t make things any easier, but it’s hard to feel comfortable around people that you have nothing in common with. And at you age, with your intellect, that’s obviously noted.
Sounds to me like you have a bit of a social phobia. Which I think comes mainly from the fact that you are (dare I say it?) superior to those around you? I’m sure if you found people you can relate to better you might feel more comfortable socially.
I think the fact that you feel like you are living in this daily cycle that is bringing about your short temper, And maybe you are just naturally a bit of a loner. I usually lock myself in my room as well because I just don’t like dealing with my family. It’s not abnormal.
As for the cycle thing. I completely relate to you on that. It’s hard to see life as more than just your daily routine. However, my advice to you is to try and find something to spice it up. Right now, however, you are too young for a job, but what are your plans for the future? It seems to me like you are the type of person that needs constant change and intellectual excitement. Not really sure what your interests would be, but I know that you wouldn’t be happy with a typical 9-5, because I know that I wouldn’t. I’m sure if you talked to your teachers or counselors or something, they might be able to find a program for you to get into. Something that you’d enjoy doing that will make life seem less mundane and routine. That might help you break out of this cycle. Right now, however, this cycle may not end, and you may not be able to sit down and say "phew, I’m done" until you get out of school. But the opportunities that you will have by putting in all this stress and shit will be the reward you are looking for.
It’s sad that you are questioning if life is worth the effort at such a young age. I know where you’re coming from, but you really wont be able to get those answers until you get older. Which really sucks to hear, I’m sure. But like I said earlier, try and find a program/internship/volunteer opportunity that you’d enjoy. Finding happiness and diversity in a cycled life is part of our jobs on Earth. The wake up school/work home repeat becomes a given, its finding the opportunities in life that make us enjoy our lives more.
If you want any help with anything, anyone to vent to, or whatever you can email me at emptybox1988@yahoo.com. I really feel where you are coming from and I think you have great potential to be a strong role in this world and don’t like hearing you question the boredom of life.
why not condense this greatly to like "1" one paragraph & then speak with one of the schools guidance counselors♦
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you actually sound a lot like me except with the having the crush on the teacher part & getting shoved in the halls, sometimes people will mess with me too but hardly anymore. but other than that you remind me a lot of myself from your description. i don’t know maybe like me your just an introverted person, who wishes to be more outgoing but yet can’t & also has a hard time relating to other people. & the feeling like a ghost & being mature in a way.
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i used to be the smart person in my class but i didn’t get made fun of. i was just always so bored at school and it was the same routine every day. i am now homeschooled and ive skipped a grade. its so much easier to concentrate and i also have some other homeschool friends. i would ask your mom about it. if you do decide to homeschool then use the program SOS "switched on schoolhouse" it grades it for you and is on the computer but is very interactive. and dont let other people control your life…….
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Talk to your mom and brother about it{the aggervating} sry if ur dad passed away and about acne beauty is in the eye of the beholder the teacher u like talk to him about your life
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I think you should talk to someone about your feelings, like your mom. I know you said she aggravates you but older people have been around for awhile and can be pretty wise and understanding. Don’t isolate yourself either, that is a terrible habit to get in and it gets you nothing but loneliness. I suffer from depression and general anxiety that is hereditary in my family so i’m not trying to feed you a bunch of crap. The thing about being a kid is that your feelings of akwardness are just that-feelings, but they are amplified at that age. It’s called adolesence. Things aren’t really as serious as they may seem (how you think people view you). I think you should really think about learning to loosen up and let little things go. Learn to laugh at yourself, make some friends, don’t care so much what others think of you. Also there are a lot more young people that have the same feelings that you do-YOU are not the ONLY one! You sound like a very bright girl but don’t take things and yourself so seriously-loosen up please! I hope that i helped you a little and I am here if you want to talk. I hope you feel better soon!
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Sounds like me but…….I’m a boy
Simplicity in itself actually
Condense what you carry in the hallways
Organize things in your locker so the stuff for your next class either practically or literally falls out of the locker each time you open it.
Pick a book that NO ONE ELSE in the world would read (I picked Dante’s Inferno) when they ask what you’re reading ignore them (This sounds absolutely retarded but it works great)
Make small comments under your breath or just loud that those terrible people can hear you
(BE ABSOLUTELY SURE THEY WOULD MAKE THEM FEEL BAD)
Alert teachers to everything they do (I keep a journal and I get extra credit in Spanish just for showing up!)
Make some friends (Kind of hard to just say it) be absolutely sure they wouldn’t betray you.
Go places you think you might make friends (I met some of my best friends in a LEGO robotics club thing at our school and another I met because of a line from "The Simpsons Movie")
Something I forgot to add to the top (This will make me sound creepy) The reason you need to condense is so you can move quickly and efficently (Think ASSASSIN) I follow kids I don’t like through the halls (This is where my journal come in handy) take notes abut social interactions, things that piss them off, and social connections.
Remember, as my father says, "Never hit another man out of anger, unless you’re absolutely sure you can get away with it," Learn weak points of the human body for just such small "violent" interruptions
Nothing is wrong with you
Every human being is their own person (That is so original I could just throw up)
Remember though that no matter hat happens YOU ARE ABOVE THEM
PS I’m 14 so…..yeah
PPS If all else fails, Igne Natura Renavtur Integra
PPPS If there are any mispelled words I am so sorry
PPPPS I hope this helped
PPPPPS my email is jacobbus@yahoo.com
PPPPPPS In retrospect I am a coin with these things on some days I’m as immature as the people I hate but I love to read my books and zone out of this world of ours. On the other hand occasionally I am more of a puppeteer where I can use my enemies emotions against them while retaining a laid back aura.
References :
Anne Frank
Dr. Frankenstein
Personal experience
I’m very impressed with you. I’m tired of seeing all the immaturity and kids "trying" to act grown up at your age by doing things they are too young to do, but you do seem pretty mature and I respect that.
Is it sad that I am very impressed, as well, with your grammar? (Sorry English major) Definitely not something that you see often. But embrace it hun, because you have a gift.
Its obvious that you don’t fit in with your peers. It doesn’t help to hear that, because it doesn’t make things any easier, but it’s hard to feel comfortable around people that you have nothing in common with. And at you age, with your intellect, that’s obviously noted.
Sounds to me like you have a bit of a social phobia. Which I think comes mainly from the fact that you are (dare I say it?) superior to those around you? I’m sure if you found people you can relate to better you might feel more comfortable socially.
I think the fact that you feel like you are living in this daily cycle that is bringing about your short temper, And maybe you are just naturally a bit of a loner. I usually lock myself in my room as well because I just don’t like dealing with my family. It’s not abnormal.
As for the cycle thing. I completely relate to you on that. It’s hard to see life as more than just your daily routine. However, my advice to you is to try and find something to spice it up. Right now, however, you are too young for a job, but what are your plans for the future? It seems to me like you are the type of person that needs constant change and intellectual excitement. Not really sure what your interests would be, but I know that you wouldn’t be happy with a typical 9-5, because I know that I wouldn’t. I’m sure if you talked to your teachers or counselors or something, they might be able to find a program for you to get into. Something that you’d enjoy doing that will make life seem less mundane and routine. That might help you break out of this cycle. Right now, however, this cycle may not end, and you may not be able to sit down and say "phew, I’m done" until you get out of school. But the opportunities that you will have by putting in all this stress and shit will be the reward you are looking for.
It’s sad that you are questioning if life is worth the effort at such a young age. I know where you’re coming from, but you really wont be able to get those answers until you get older. Which really sucks to hear, I’m sure. But like I said earlier, try and find a program/internship/volunteer opportunity that you’d enjoy. Finding happiness and diversity in a cycled life is part of our jobs on Earth. The wake up school/work home repeat becomes a given, its finding the opportunities in life that make us enjoy our lives more.
If you want any help with anything, anyone to vent to, or whatever you can email me at emptybox1988@yahoo.com. I really feel where you are coming from and I think you have great potential to be a strong role in this world and don’t like hearing you question the boredom of life.
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