What is wrong with me?

I hope someone out there can relate to my thoughts -

Where to start? I’m going to be honest. I’m only twelve, but I’m very, very mature for my age. I feel like there’s nothing in life left for me to figure out. Although I tend to look I life from a zoomed-out perspective (if you know what I mean). I think very logically and I think way too much into things, but this is a very general aspect of my everyday life.

I get embarrassed very easily and I take criticism very harshly. At school, I don’t fit in, especially with the other girls. I’m the quiet girl. I bring books to lunchtime because I don’t want people to talk to me. I get embarrassed by the kids around me when they say dirty things like kids my age do. I’m quiet because when I speak my voice is a ghost. I stutter. When I talk, I can’t hear myself. I can’t make conversation. I have no social life. I have acne (not so bad, but I always think that that’s all people see when they look at me). I get embarrassed when people watch me do things, especially eat. I start to sweat when people look at me. I keep to myself very much.

I would be happily independent at school if it wasn’t for the fact that there is a teacher I have a crush on, and I want him to think that I’m a normal, down to earth middle school girl. I force myself to tolerate people long enough to walk with me down the hall when I am passing by his class. When noone is around, I have to awkwardly thumble through my papers as if I am rushing to class. I think I walk awkwardly.

People shoving my in the halls doesn’t help. I wish I could go about my day without any interference from anyone else. They all mess with me!!! I get soooo embarrassed when people do things to me. Like once, for no apparant reason, this guy put a bottle of lotion on the top of my locker door when I was about to close it. I had no idea what to do so I stood there awkwardly while everyone snickered. Finally, after five minutes of ignoring it and riffling through my locker when I already had my books, someone actually came and took it off my locker door. I had no idea what to make of it so my face turned beat red and I ran down the hall. I cried about it later that day. Don’t ask why.

I’m very smart for my age. I always want to learn. My teachers compliment me like crazy. Especially the one that I like. One time, my science teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up and said that I was unbelievable smart and that she was glad to have me in her class. I’m proud of making good grades, but I get called a nerd way to often. I take it very very very personally.
I’m not comfortable with myself. I can’t let go and have fun because I’m scared I’ll look stupid.

I’m not satisfied with my life. I do the same thing every day and come home to nothing. I used to have something to look forward to – getting home. Now, when I think about getting home, I get sad. I don’t want to come home and put up with more people. I want to be left alone. My mom and my brother aggravate me. I’m short-tempered. I just want to go to my room and read or work on a project or research something online. These are my hobbies.

My life is a complete circle. Home, school, home, schoool. When does it end? When can I sit down and sigh and say "phew!! im done!! i dont have to live this life anymore!!"?? A complete circle. Wake up, get ready, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th period, home, sleep, repeat. No joy. No straying from the path. No end. I’ve thought hard into this and it makes me wonder why I put up with it. Why don’t I…. do something? anything? I hate my life. My life is a circle. continuous work. no reward. continuous stress. continuous putting up with shit. I will never get to sit down and say "glad thats over!" Never. Not when I die. Not after I die. And it makes me think if this life is really worth the effort I put into it. . .

I want to know if anyone can relate to me or what I should do. This is not a whim. I’ve felt like this for two years and I can’t seem to really understand myself.

I don’t understand.

Hi there i am sorry to hear you feel this way!

My 1st thought is that socializing with family and friends is part of life. Maybe the reason you dont have anything to look forward to is because you dont give yourself the opportunity to take part in things somebody your age should. Find friends that you have things in common with and that you can enjoy being around because not everybody gets on thats life too. To do this you need to let yourself get to know people and go to their house maybe to work on your projects and things break the circle even a little at a time.

gd luck =)